Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Start of something new

So today was my first official day of graduate school. I will admit that I have been fighting feelings of trying to fully grasp the truth that I'm gonna be a MA candidate one day. I guess I just keep looking at UAB as the down sized version of where I could be - like at UA or UGA, ect. However, I keep trusting in the truth that God has me here for a reason. That maybe I wasn't meant to get into the other programs at the other bigger colleges. That's God's plan for my life involves UAB. That mentality has kept me going lately.

So much has happened. I won't lie. After class tonight I wanted nothing more than to send Michael a text or call him and tell him that I did it, that I made it through day one. I won't lie, I want nothing more than tonight at like 11pm to share with him my first day. I can't. I mean, I could share it with him if I wanted to but the conversation would be much like what I expereinced today with asking for cat food for Miley : "Ok, yea." "How are you? Anything new?" "No." "How are your parents?" "Fine." "Your grandmother?" "Fine." "Wow, you are a conversation piece, let me tell ya." "I have to get ready for work, bye."

That being said, I realized today that some people aren't meant to be friends. That some people are either lovers or friends or both. With a break like ours, i'm not sure if both can exist together.

Thus my frustration with wanting to share my wonderful experience of grad school with him. Yet I am reminded he never cared to share anything - not anything in the past week with me. I mean.

So today when I was driving home, I looked behind me at the beautiful sunset and ahead of me and the raging storm clouds. It was a reminder from God, a faithful reminder, that there is always goodness coming, no matter if you are driving in the storm.

Today after class I felt more proud of myself than I have in a long time. I feel that I am accomplishing something that I have worked hard to get and that all the crazy things that have happened to me have prepared me for this point.

My first class was a bibliography research class. The teachers, Dr. Flowers, was a very nice lady that seemed to really love literature and English and research. She reminded me a lot of my mom, Mrs. Walton and Mrs. Weeks (especially her). Which made me hope that in my lifetime that I would become so happy and excited about my MA and want to share it with the world.

Tomorrow is Victorian literature then more selling Coach at Belk, which is another blog entry in itself.

Oh and I'm officially starting my novel. I'm putting all these feelings and thoughts on love into something constructive in hopes that it will help others in this world.

Such wonderful things are happening in my life and since I can't share them with Micheal, I'll share them with myself. And Miley, Marcie, Alexander and Edward.

Monday, August 10, 2009

To day is the day

Today I'm moving into my new apt. I'm equally nervous and excited. So many changes have happened in the past few weeks and I can see God's hand in all of it... even the areas that have hurt me the most. However, I will run after his face and trust in his love.
Today's move will be hard - I'll be doing it all on my own. I was told that I would have help from Michael, but he now is refusing to help. And worst of all, his mother doesn't even have the umph to get him to help me. So I'll carry the boxes by myself, move the furniture by myself, I'll do it by myself and make it the first step in me becoming an independent woman.
I have never just been about myself and done things for me. I've always, as long as I can remember, worked my life around Michael and now I am starting to see what is really out there. I am super excited about my life. I know it will be hard and I know it will be one challenge after another, but I know that with God's help and provision that I will succeed. I will run and not be weary, walk and not be faint.

My twentysomething's are just beginning and as scary as they are, I know that I have a great number of friends here to help me along the way.

In the last few weeks I've opened up to people more than I ever have. I shall soon share my life over the past three weeks in my other blog. That is the most appropriate place for it. However, I know what my promises are in God. I know that I will get something better. To hear him look at me and tell me he has his something better, yet he acts so ugly to me and so rude. I never in my life could understand how he could treat a person so cold and yet run to another person and act like all is well.

I will run and not be weary. I will walk and not be faint.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

How far am I willing to go?

How far am I willing to go? That is a question I have asked many times in my life. The most recent being about how far I am willing to go to make money. The answer is apparently not far enough to badgerpeople to death over products. Hence my shopping for a job project continues.

Note to readers: If you are given a job interview after only 5 min. of talking with someone on the phone, chances are it's not as glamorous as you think.

So went into this place in Bham called Legacy Concepts - a marketing firm for non-profits in the area. Sounds innocent enough. Well, I went in, called the girl at the front desk, talked to her about my situation and such and she said "Well, lets get you in here and see what we can get started for you." Sounded great. They even had an event coordinator position open that I felt could be a fit for me. I mean, beauty pageant days were big in the idea of setting up an event. Well I get to my job interview and I'm dressed in my suit, it's been raining outside, I'm running a few minutes behind schedule due to traffic but I called and let them know - all things that should be done.
I get in there and I fill out a job application. No sweat. Seems fine. Until 2 other people come in doing the same thing I am. This was my first uncomfortable feeling of the afternoon. Then this guy comes out after about 10 min. and calls me into his office where he shuts the door for our interview (kinda weird cause usually the men leave the door open.)
Anyway, the interview lasted about 20 min. (seemed short but was ok) They talked to me about what they do and all - which is basically raising money for non-profit organizations such as DARE and Starlight Starbright (for children in hospitals) and something racing related.
So I left the interview (they told me that they would call me at the end of the day and let me know if I had been chosen for a second interview. They did 60 interviews per day.) They called back. I scheduled an interview for the following Monday with them.

So during Monday's interview, I get to the office at 9:45am. Walk in and say hi and all - all the while thinking that I'm the ONLY one coming in for the interview. Well, I round the corner to wait in the lobby for what ever will happen and I walking into a room of about 10 or 15 other people, dressed in their best like me, waiting to "go to the field" and see what happens. So this really goofy black guy with a huge gap in his teeth comes over and calls me and other guy out.
We get up and he takes us to the front door where we meet Gary (I think that is his name). From there I learn that Gary will be taking us to the Pell City Kmart where we will be working on fundraising for the DARE program. Gary will evaluate us and then decided if we make it to the 3rd and final interview.

Gary asks for my resume - I didn't have one and was told "all you need is a pen and notebook, hun." That should have been my second red flag - when the secretary called me hun. Anyway, he said that was fine, asked us a few questions about ourselves and said it was time to go - in our OWN cars, driving out of our way to Pell City (44min from Bham) to the Kmart. I was ticked about it but considered it something I had to do for the job - ya know, give a little to get a lot.

Well anyway, we get there, to Kmart, and out comes a fold up table, 2 gray tubs (1 empty and 1 full of DARE items like tshirts, book bags, calendars, ect), a folder, some id bags, credit card slips, and a DARE banner. Instantly reminded me of yearbook sales (although we never had a banner).
From there we set up the stuff at the door entrance of Kmart and start our fundraising.
Withing 5 min of seeing how the operations were going, I made up my mind I would not be taking the job.

Here's how their marketing went.

People would come in and out of the store - poor people. Not rich people that shop Summit of Midtown - POOR people. However, it's business so they continued to ask. As people would come in, this really ignorant girl with us would exclaim (literally, hand motions and all) "Hey you! Yea, you! Come over, yea don't miss out!" From there innocent poor people would come over. Then the girl or Gary, depending on who made the sale, would come over and pick up two dare tshirts or hand the people a clear DARE backpack and say, "Here's what we have for you - two tshirts all for the kids." The poor people would get excited - and who could blame them, they were under the impression that they were getting free tshirts or a free backpack. Then Gary would say, "All it costs is $12 per shirt, $20 per back or both for an even $30. You can keep the items or donated them back into the box for the kids that DARE works with. We take checks, cash, and credit cards." The people would say "No" and "I can't" and still be badgered going out the door for the item. Def. not something I wanted to spend the rest of my days and time doing. Especially if it was from 8:30am - 6:30pm Mon-Sat.

It was very embarrassing for myself to be there and to be even a remotely bit part of it. Then to find out they don't consider you and ASSET to the company for 5 months. Because they don't have to pay you - you work on commission for the events and take in 25 percent from what is made. Yea, events such as going to the local Kmart and begging, I mean soliciting, people for money and items that probably doesn't even get put back into the DARE program.

They called me back that afternoon at 5:30 and left a message wanting me to come in for a 3rd interview.

I never called back.

Friday, July 10, 2009

From 21 to 22 - My yearly reflection on life before the age wheel starts again

As you all know I enjoy every year writing my last few words in one age range until become part of another. This year I turn from 21 to 22 and here is what I've learned about myself, others and the world:

1) Sometimes friends come in the most unlikely of of places. It might be randomly going to the gym with your or randomly coming over to help you care for your new set of kitties - either way the friendships are true and sustain the bonds of time and wear. I have a new perpective on friendships this year and what having them mean to making my future better and enriched.

2) Love never turns out like you want it to. Sometimes you find you love a person even through their selfish acts and you do eventually understand that you need to let them go no matter how hard it is. Our desires for others alway out weight the truth and taking hold of the truth and running with it is difficult. But sometimes it must be done.

3) Waiting on the words I love you can be like waiting for rain in the dessert. Sometimes you have to tell yourself that you love yourself when others won't.

4)Don't consider yourself just another number to a graduate school program. So you didn't get in. Get back up and find another place to go to school. Yes it does suck when your highschool friends are now going off to nice grad programs in JN way to the north but that doesn't make you any the less stupid or not worthy. It just means God has a better plan.

5)Take what ever job and for what ever money you can get.

6)Be willing to say no to friends who are pushing for you to join a club or needing you to sign up for something. If you don't feel ready in your heart then you aren't ready. Your friends will understand.

7) I learned that truckers are pretty cool people and are just hard workers trying to make a living. They are misunderstood and sometimes just need someone to talk to them

8) Don't plan on discussing future job woes with the parental units. They won't understand and will try to fix the problem for you. Never ends well. Usually ends with you crying more than anything as you try to please your parents.

9) Your mom is your best friend. Always

10) Sometimes it's ok to wait for the wedding but still you should be determined for a ring - a small one - just to show you some appreciation.

11) Anyone can be a great photographer with the righ equiptment

12) I learned this year that I want to travel the world and enjoy the cultures and lifestyles of others. France Trip 09 was the beginning of my "I want to travel bug" and I don't think it's gonna leave anytime soon.
13) Sometimes our friends get married before we do and it makes us feel less important to our signifigant others.... this is a part of life and won't change. No matter how much we want, a person can not change someone's mind to move in with them or get married. Not getting that feeling of want from the bf or gf can be crushing but it's then when we should refer back to step one of this post and make friends.

14) Life can be lived without a cell phone but NOT without a computer

15) It is very hard to pack up 2 years of one's life into boxes.... and have 4 little helpers to aid you
16) Be happy in the body you have and don't ruin it with drugs or alcohol.

17) Find every reason to give someone a flower - even if it is a weed from the garden. It will still mean something.
18) Leave little notes to friends so they can know you are thinking about them. These should be handwritten notes and not facebook wall posts.

19) I also am learning that 22 is the start of my life - my real life when things that didn't matter before now matter. I will make the most of this year and change my world. I will be a better me and I will learn to love no matter how hurt I am with my current circumstances.

2:01 pm today I will 22 years old..... no longer 21.... that is so hard to believe.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Sometimes Monday's come on Tuesday's

I've been wrong this entire time. My head ache isn't because of computer eye strain. It's because of stress....loads of stress that I don't need to carry. Stress that God has already carried for me and I just seem to have a hard time letting go of.

Where to start?

Well good news is I got a call back for the job interview I went in for yesterday. I am almost positive that it will be a very boring job that I'm going to hate beyond belief. However if they hire me that is all I need. Just a job.

Other good news is that I only have to pay 300 of the 650 owed on my first month's apt. rent. Which means I might actually be able to move in pay my rent then have enough left for the following month until I can find a job. This gives me some leverage.

Bad news:

After a quick brush with getting my power diconnected, I somehow managed to beg the power company to keep my lights on untill next thursday when I can pay the remainder off. This being said. I have exactly 7 cents to my name until next thursday when, even after that, I will still only have 7 cents.

Lets see. Things I must pay for:

Cable - which I'm having cut off Aug. 3rd
Power - which gets transferred at a cheap rate of $40 instead of $150 but I will be paying the entire bill off.
Computer - because if I don't pay if Micheal will kill me. I was stupid to purchase it even if at the time I really thought I could pay for it. I won't let his credit suffer on my inability to find a paying job. I'll just not have internet or cable at my new place. This is a statement I'm trying to prepare myself for.
$200 deposit - due next week
$150 - refurb fee for my new apt. due next week. Sadly the two afore mentioned things won't be paid. So I am not even sure if I will be able to get the apt. after all because I won't have the money until July 29.
Water - yep def. forgot about that.
Cell phone - I'm having it turned off completely. It already is suspended.

And there my friends is all of my money that I will get paid going to the above mentioned things. It's very stressfull. Mostly because of all that happened today.

I called mom in a panic b/c I got a letter that my power would be cut off tomorrow. Having only 72 dollars to my name to pay the bill I went to the office to beg them to leave it on untill next week when I will pay the entire bill off. Thus depleting my account of other money need to pay stuff. Well I came back into the office, checked my voicemail since I don't have a cell phone. Micheal called. Apparently my mom was going to handle the problem of my power by contacting Micheal's parents to get them to pay the bill then us pay them back. Um...hello.... how can we pay them back money we don't have?????
I told everyone that I had it under control even though I'll be broke all next week because of it.

I know mom meant well and she must have been desperate because she called micheal's mom whom she doesn't really care for and whom has never taken the time to reach out to my mom and dad. Part of me was embaressed because of it. The other part was shocked that his parent's (mostly his mom) would offer help after I've been struggling for a while now. They never cared before, why should they now?

All micheal's father tells me is that I have "plenty" of money and that I (that being me, Laura) just go out and waste money constantly on spending. Hello Mike Frost...newsflash... I work my butt off to pay my bills and still not get ahead. So do my parents.

That leads me to my mom - who is sick and needs to go to the doctor but is trying to get an appointment with a real doc not an ER trip so she can save money. Then today she is crying on the phone about not have a car so she can have a job. My dad constantly takes out his money frustrations on myself. It's my fault we have no money in the family. B/c mom and dad feel that they have to take care of me still. Dad says I should move home and work from home. Which is fine until I start driving all over to work using money I could have extra for numerous amounts of gas.

Which leads me to my next point. Had micheal's mom and dad not been against us moving intogether my woes of money and paying for stuff would be slim to none. In april he told me we'd move in together. I had a plan and everthing even a money saving list on how we could afford everything.
Then he bombed me with telling me no and that his parents were deciding on it. Now I'm stuck rebuilding my plan and It's painful. Why? because micheal still continues to give me spare money to pay my bills and all when if we lived together we could have saved money.
I want to blame this on him. Secretly I think I will.

Friday, July 3, 2009

List of jobs I have looked into

Ok so I am going to make a list of all the places I've applied to job wise just so I can see everything I've been working on.

1) The Tuscaloosa News
2) The Birmingham News
3) Black and White
4) Southern Progress
5) The Times Daily
6) The Sand Mountain Reporter
7) Jack and Janie kids clothing store
8) The children's place
9) Coxbury Books
10) Panera Break
11) An educational resources center
12) Legacy Concepts
13) Receptionist at Alabama School of Fine Arts
14) Birmingham Weekly
15) Stein Mart
16) Leeds News
17) Belk
18) JC Penny
19) Southern Poverty Law
20) Birmingham Parent Magazine
21) Thicket Magazine
22) Savela marketing

This list keeps growing ... will update

What I'm suppose to be doing

It's an age old question I never have an answer for. What am I suppose to be doing with my life - all of it, whether that being relationship, work, school, finances, and God. A friend was talking to me the other day about being twenty in our twenties and how in a sense life is suppose to be figured out in our twenties.

I never thought about it before now, but, really, people do expect you to get everything together in your twenties. You are suppose to, as society says, get a job, graduate from college, get married, start having babies, buy a house, travel, take up a hobby, find out your true self in religion, and make important life decisions on love - ALL in your twenties. Then at 30 you have it all together and you enjoy life with your house, your kids, your job, your pets, you lover, your hobbies and your Aug. trips to the beach or Dec. trips to the mountains. THEN at age 40 you have a crisis because you suddenly realized that your kids are leaving, your pets are dying, your bed room romance is dwindling and you worry that you've spent way to much time in your 20s trying to figure everything out and not taken time to enjoy it. So you have your midlife crisis and you do many things - drop weight fast, dye your hair, take up a new hobby because the old one is bad, cheat on a husband (let's hope not), but a new animal, occasionally get pregnant (has happened). Then at 50 you just calm down because you realize that all you can do is ride the wave of life and enjoy what you have left - like grand kids.

And to think, all of this drama and confusion and fast paced life style of figuring out life starts in our twenties.

Why do I have to be 21 - 22 in a week. Why now? To be older would give me a little more money and hopefully a job. But instead I'm stuck at the turning point in my twenties and scared to death on how I'm suppose to handle all the things in life. Such as unemployment and the desire to make the correct decision that others will support.

My purpose for this blog is to discuss being in my twenties - the biggest trying time in my life as I learn myself and my place in the world.