Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Start of something new

So today was my first official day of graduate school. I will admit that I have been fighting feelings of trying to fully grasp the truth that I'm gonna be a MA candidate one day. I guess I just keep looking at UAB as the down sized version of where I could be - like at UA or UGA, ect. However, I keep trusting in the truth that God has me here for a reason. That maybe I wasn't meant to get into the other programs at the other bigger colleges. That's God's plan for my life involves UAB. That mentality has kept me going lately.

So much has happened. I won't lie. After class tonight I wanted nothing more than to send Michael a text or call him and tell him that I did it, that I made it through day one. I won't lie, I want nothing more than tonight at like 11pm to share with him my first day. I can't. I mean, I could share it with him if I wanted to but the conversation would be much like what I expereinced today with asking for cat food for Miley : "Ok, yea." "How are you? Anything new?" "No." "How are your parents?" "Fine." "Your grandmother?" "Fine." "Wow, you are a conversation piece, let me tell ya." "I have to get ready for work, bye."

That being said, I realized today that some people aren't meant to be friends. That some people are either lovers or friends or both. With a break like ours, i'm not sure if both can exist together.

Thus my frustration with wanting to share my wonderful experience of grad school with him. Yet I am reminded he never cared to share anything - not anything in the past week with me. I mean.

So today when I was driving home, I looked behind me at the beautiful sunset and ahead of me and the raging storm clouds. It was a reminder from God, a faithful reminder, that there is always goodness coming, no matter if you are driving in the storm.

Today after class I felt more proud of myself than I have in a long time. I feel that I am accomplishing something that I have worked hard to get and that all the crazy things that have happened to me have prepared me for this point.

My first class was a bibliography research class. The teachers, Dr. Flowers, was a very nice lady that seemed to really love literature and English and research. She reminded me a lot of my mom, Mrs. Walton and Mrs. Weeks (especially her). Which made me hope that in my lifetime that I would become so happy and excited about my MA and want to share it with the world.

Tomorrow is Victorian literature then more selling Coach at Belk, which is another blog entry in itself.

Oh and I'm officially starting my novel. I'm putting all these feelings and thoughts on love into something constructive in hopes that it will help others in this world.

Such wonderful things are happening in my life and since I can't share them with Micheal, I'll share them with myself. And Miley, Marcie, Alexander and Edward.

Monday, August 10, 2009

To day is the day

Today I'm moving into my new apt. I'm equally nervous and excited. So many changes have happened in the past few weeks and I can see God's hand in all of it... even the areas that have hurt me the most. However, I will run after his face and trust in his love.
Today's move will be hard - I'll be doing it all on my own. I was told that I would have help from Michael, but he now is refusing to help. And worst of all, his mother doesn't even have the umph to get him to help me. So I'll carry the boxes by myself, move the furniture by myself, I'll do it by myself and make it the first step in me becoming an independent woman.
I have never just been about myself and done things for me. I've always, as long as I can remember, worked my life around Michael and now I am starting to see what is really out there. I am super excited about my life. I know it will be hard and I know it will be one challenge after another, but I know that with God's help and provision that I will succeed. I will run and not be weary, walk and not be faint.

My twentysomething's are just beginning and as scary as they are, I know that I have a great number of friends here to help me along the way.

In the last few weeks I've opened up to people more than I ever have. I shall soon share my life over the past three weeks in my other blog. That is the most appropriate place for it. However, I know what my promises are in God. I know that I will get something better. To hear him look at me and tell me he has his something better, yet he acts so ugly to me and so rude. I never in my life could understand how he could treat a person so cold and yet run to another person and act like all is well.

I will run and not be weary. I will walk and not be faint.